Drunken Grid Iron Hero VIII

Larry Johnson of The Kansas City Chiefs. Holds out for a new contract, spits some drinks on some bitches, and gets to sit on the bench. Enough bad judgement to make a Dipsomaniac proud!

Eat It (It Is Cthulhu)

Eat me, motherfuckers.

This is what Cthulhu should do instead of playing fantasy football.

How about that comeback? How about them Lardends? You know, the team with the longest active winning streak?

Politically Relevant Cthulhu Image of the Week

Troubadours, VIII

I'm doing exactly enough for Aaron as he's done with his team. This little ditty is sung to the tune of this. Fuck you all, Troubadours are #1!


...


Again, fuck everybody but me.

Drunken Grid Iron Hero Special Bonus Edition

I left the best picture out of this weeks edition of Drunken Grid Iron Hero. Major gaffe on my part, cause Kyle clearly loves him some cougars in some titty dresses. And loves him some chasing some JD with some Coca-Cola. At 11:00 a.m!! Way to get an early start on it Kyle.

Drunken Grid Iron Hero VII

Kyle Orton likes to drink and have his picture taken...more drinky Orton pics to come...

Cthulhu Image of the Week

Azathoth Win! Sanity Lollipops for everyone!

Jerry Jones, NFL Antichrist

I don't usually cross-post, but since some of you don't read the other blog, I thought I would repost this here.

Peter King has an excellent piece up at the Sports Illustrated website about how Dallas' trade for Roy Williams was the opening salvo in the upcoming NFL labor war. Jerry Jones wants to turn the Cowboys into football's New York Yankees (and in so many ways they already are). He is pushing for no spending limits and no salary caps. I don't think this will lead to success but that is beside the point. Williams' new contract is incredibly frontloaded. Why? It is quite possible that the owners will pull out of the current collective bargaining agreement after the 2010 season. That season there will not be a salary cap. The players' union have stated that if there is no salary cap that season, they will never submit to one again.

Jones is assuming this is true. He has several heavily front-loaded contracts that would lead to an enormous salary cap burden after 2010. He is betting that there will be no salary cap and is acting on it. He thinks he can win now by adding all these big-name players and won't have to pay later. If there is a salary cap, the Cowboys will be a terrible team for several years as they won't be able to sign any players.

The problem with this is that a lot of NFL owners don't want this to happen. They want a salary cap. But Jones, along with a few other of the richest owners, are trying to change the league to help themselves out. They don't want the parity of the last 20 years; instead, they hope for a league where the richest teams can buy themselves championships. But the majority of owners won't accept this and are likely to lock out the players for the 2011 season rather than play with no salary cap.

Thus Jerry Jones just took the NFL on a big ol'step to a work stoppage.

Thanks Jerry.

Question of the Evening

Who would win a game between Dallas and Denver right now?

Certainly not anyone who actually watched it.

Oh my, my, Daryl...

A loser has a first name, it D-A-R-Y-L.

A loser has a second name, it's T-O-N-Y's Bitch!

Oh Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. Where do I begin? With the "guaran-mother fucking-tee"? With the fact that not only did you lose, but you lost because your beloved Broncos got their lousy asses SPANKED like a middle-aged prostitute by an out of work high school principal on national fucking TV? By the second string quarterback and second string RB nonetheless? I'm sure your brother, and even Cthulhu enjoy the irony of that one.

For all of your clever songcraft and knowledge of internet memes, you were not able to overcome the Lardends.

SMD, Daryl, oh yes, SMD.

I'm as happy as Jeff Garcia in this picture.

Go Cowboys!

I love the Cowboys! This is clearly the best team in the NFL and the obvious Super Bowl favorite. I mean when your last three games have included losses to Arizona and St. Louis, and a cheap win against the Bengals, obviously you rock. And mortgaging the future for Roy Williams was a great move, paid back with his 0 catches.

What's even better about this is that the Cowboys are doing this against such a tough schedule. I mean drawing the AFC North and the NFC West, well shit, there is 1 good team in those 2 divisions.

Hey, is Bill Bates willing to come back? Because even now he would be the best defensive back the Cowboys have.

Also, I want to point out that my Seattle Seahawks suck a huge dick this year. But at least they beat the Rams!

The Rams. Hilarious.

Troubadours, VII

While my anti-Israel propaganda worked very well, I'm stepping down in offensiveness out of sheer lack of inspiration. Nonetheless, this one goes out to Tony, whose single win will not turn into a streak. I guaran-mother fucking-tee this. It's sung to the great Tammy Wynette's D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Fuck all of you. Thanks, your Commissioner.

Our football league is five years old and you've been here for two.
Last year was your first time out, your fortune was high it's true.
But B-A-D describes the R-E-D-L-A-N-D
Your greasy name describes your slide from two to last indeed

Chorus:
The L-A-R-D-E-N-D plays like crap today
Me in this S-O-N-G declares your loss, I'm afraid.
Your luck's run dry and it will be only J-O-Y for me
To beat up once again on the L-A-R-D-E-N-D

I know his name is pluralized but, that way, it doesn't fit.
You can S-M-D* my friends, cause I don't give a shit.
I'll spell out anything I want, cause I rule o'er this league
I'm hitting Tony's Redlands team like T-O was hit by Teague.

[repeat chorus]

*Suck My Dick (one of those acronyms from the 'tubes)

Perhaps the Blind Elder God

is sucking wins from His Namesake Team. Hmm. Have I displeased Him?

Special News Buwwetin for Brisbane (and Other Cattle-Raper Fans)

From the Onion:

Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey

Awww, diddums get a boo-boo?

Fig. 1: An HFC-exclusive photo of the injured tough guy quarterback.

Drunken Grid Iron Hero VI

He looks drunk to me. I mean, you gotta be loaded to get arrested for fishing on an airport lake...thats right, Deion got arrested for illegal fishing. And who goes fishing illegally and doesn't drink? Certainly not Neon Deion.

This is not a facemask...

at least not to NFL officials.

Just in case you needed one...

It only took Jerry 24 hours to start recouping on his investment...

Least Scary Cthulhu Picture Ever

Shiva H. Vishnu did I get my ass handed to me last weekend. Here is the Least Scary Cthulhu Picture Ever.

It's called "My Little Cthulhu Victims". Heh.

Merinthophobia

This is the Brisbane Scofflaws:



Merinthophobia, you has it.

Pussies.

Troubadours, VI

It's about time I played a team I'm against. I mean, Azathoth is maddeningly silly, the Scottish are obviously a bunch of no account drunks, the Dipsos are run by Jon, the West Indies team is full of brown people, and Discursive Whiteness is a seriously unfunny joke. This week, though, I'm playing a team that is not only supporting Joe Theeesman, but is coached by Jews. It's a travesty we've let him in the league at all but, afraid of the Alan Dershowitzes of the world, I suppose it was the right thing to do. Anyway, this one we'll call "Unleavened and Bloody" and is sung to the tune of Terry Allen's "Amarillo Highway." I've been singing the chorus for a couple of days now and it's quite empowering. My only regret is not being able to find a rhyme for Aushwitz (though, now that I think of it, I could have coupled it with Dershowitz...next time).

I'm beatin' up on this Jew
He's some guy you mighta knew
Before them horns grew in.
With that nose hooked down
Buyin' everything in town
But there's one thing he can't buy: a win.

Cause I'm a Jew baitin'
Zionist hatin'
Israel spankin'
Temple burnin'
Torah stabbin' Gentile
And he won't have no baby's head
To make up his special bread
All unleavened and bloody.

And he's chargin' you interest
It's higher on Christmas
But at Purim he's gone on vacation
In football he's got no chance
I'm gonna mock his Jew dance
It's cause for lavish celebration.

(repeat chorus)

Obligatory Cthulhu Image of the Week

Silly Aussies. Your sanity is mine.

Drunken Grid Iron Hero V

Grrrr! Cthluhu Angry!

Sage Motherfucking Rosenfels

To paraphrase a line from my one of my favorite pencil bloggers: Fucking skull fuck Sage Rosenfels in the head until he's dead and piss in his skull.

Oh my fucking god.

The motherfucker throws a bunch of fantasy points to his receivers, all both of whom defeat me in my fantasy matchup with aforementioned blogger, and then becomes a total idiot and single handedly loses the game for his team. I expect that sort of failure in anything involving Houston, but...fuck.

Hey Houston, way to fuck over Dallas and then fuck yourself. Congratulations.

The Dipsos are ready for the Elder God to come and eat us now, but please know that our sanity is already gone...we do taste like Tuaca though.

Elder God Loves Cowboys

Troubadours, V

Sadly, I'm no longer undefeated. I wouldn't care, except the person I lost to has neither skill nor balls. I decline to mention his name directly, lest he get an even bigger head than he already has. This week, in spite of Rob's moral agenda against reading this blog, here's a little tune set to Freddy Fender's Wasted Days and Wasted Nights. Fuck all of you.

Though you're too gay to read this
Your mouth too full of piss
Sitting outside on your porch
Taking a bone from your own dog.

How is Otis at loving you
Does he tease you till you're blue
Do you see after you came
That I'm not to blame
For making you lose.

Don't you remember the game
That we had to play for the title?
I played so poorly
But now I'm gonna own ye
You bitch....

[repeat the second verse until you can't stand the thought of Rob fucking his dog]

Drunken Grid Iron Hero of the Week IV

Plax has some time on his hands this week...

Lard Ends a-comin'

... ready for that first big win over the silly queens.

Seriously, a team of queens? I mean, Matilda of Flanders is a pretty decent pocket passer, but if the protection collapses, she'll get jumpy and throw into coverage.

The Insane Undead Elder God Will Eat All Your Mustaches

Fucking shit I'm sick of losing. May the Elder Gods look upon me with favor one of these fucking weeks.