Eli's Big Adventure


Nice job starting Eli over Cassel. You are clearly every bit the football genius that you appear to be.

Better luck next year, loser.

Polish up your yamulke Theismanns. I'm coming for you next.

Is your femur aching with anticipation yet?

Seriously though, go out there and break a leg.


A Corrective


Go Theismanns!!!



Fuck You All, I Suck, See You Sunday! (Bonus Pointless Cthulhu Image Included)

Official Handlebar Football Consortium Meeting: Here, Sunday. See you then, losers.

Oh, shit. I'm the loser.

Well, fuck all of you, and bring booze.


Troubadours XIV

So, it's come to this: a semi-final match against my old nemesis. I had dearly hoped this would come next week, but the fates are impatient so forced my loss to Erik two weeks ago to set this up. No matter, this will be beautiful to watch...in front of your face. This playoff-themed number is sung to Guy Clark's "L.A. Freeway." Fuck you all; Troubadours rule, especially down the stretch!

It was just three years ago
A game you losers all know
He was the Empire, me the Elways
But the result was far beyond gay.
Now I get another chance
To make the Scofflaws piss their pants
Now’s the time for humiliation
Before I enjoy a winner’s adulation

If I can just get out of the semi-finals
Without losing my quarterback
I’ll take it to the winner’s circle
To prove what you fuckers lack lack lack

Here’s a little tip for you Rob
When you feel in your ass a corn cob
Just relax and let it in
Sit on back and accept my win.
If you try you might enjoy it
Don’t tell me it doesn’t quite fit
We won’t need to use no grease
Because you’re lubed up from defeat


When you think back on this year
And you wipe away that single tear
You were beaten by your better
By my skill your play was fettered.
Don’t worry, little princess
You did well in games that meant less
You can sit and watch me next week
As I beat a Jew or future medic.




Another year, another first round playoff loss.

I am the Dallas Cowboys of our league. Consistent choking in the clutch, dropping of snaps, owners criticizing players' toughness (where the fuck were you all year Anthony Gonzalez you fucking pussy), throwing untimely interceptions, dating ditzy blonde singers with huge breasts, etc., etc.

Like the real Dallas Cowboys I am to a good football team what John Travolta was to real cowboys in Urban Cowboy. A fucking poser.

Also, fuck Steve Smith.


Wendigos on the Warpath

Said Erik:

How many times did the white nations crush a West Indian slave revolt? This game will be one more.
Heh. He must have thought it was White Boy Day. I guess Steve Smith went all Nat Turner on your ass last night, huh?

You're next, Theismann. I'm coming for you like LT.



Handicapping the Playoffs

John Madden and I have been taking a close look at this thing, and this is how it shakes out according to our calculations:

If I beat the Dipsos this week, go on to beat the Darylettes next week, and get by the winner of the other bracket the following week, I will be the league champion.

Conversely, were I to lose any of those three games, another team is more likely to wind up as champion, and I would finish at some other ranking.

In order to achieve my goal, it looks like I am going to have to score more points than my opponent in each game. I'm probably talking out of school here a bit (fellow playoff contenders please cover your eyes), but for Bob's sake I will share some of my strategery. What I will try to do each week is field as many players as possible from my team and/or the waiver wire within the constructs of our league's roster requirements who I believe will score the most points at their respective positions. If I am more successful than my weekly opponent the odds will shift heavily in my favor. If not, my chances of success diminish significantly.

That's how Madden and I see it anyway. I could care less what happens to the rest of you.

If'n you ain't first, you're last.



The Sound of Silence

Anyone else notice how quiet Daryl's been on the blog this week? The loudest silence I've ever heard.


Two words from your regular season champs

Go Theimanns!!!

Sweeping Daryl

Which one of these brooms should I use to sweep out Daryl? He just can't beat his big brother. I'm so in his head, it's crazy. He's lost 3 times this year. Twice to me. His team might be better, I don't know. But I do know he can't beat me. I believe he is 0-4 against me in my 2 years in this league.

It's not just fantasy either. I routinely beat the shit out of Daryl in Madden. I don't even have a video game system at home, but Daryl, despite his supposed tough blitzing defense and fullback runs, loses to me about 2 out of every 3 games. It's been this way since we were kids. It's even more pronounced now. For all Daryl practices and claims to have figured out new strategies, I still pick him to death.

Poor Daryl. Does it feel bad to have such a superior big brother? I know it was hard growing up in my shadow. It must still be hard. I feel so bad for you. Don't we all feel bad for Daryl?


My Team

If you didn't get it:

My team is a steaming pile of shit.

You're welcome.


Playoff Update

The Jacksonville @ Houston is gonna be super important! Two shitty teams deciding who gets in the fantasy playoffs! Awesome!

Lets see...

The three teams still fighting for the last playoff spot are the Queens, Wendigos and Whiteness. The Dipsos have won their game, there are no players on Monday in their match, and are guaranteed a spot. (Update: The Dipsos have DeMeco Ryans (Hou), but it doesn't matter)

Troubadors versus Whiteness:

Whiteness is down by 7.38 points and still has Maurice Jones Drew (Jax) left to play (Rich Eisen calls him 'Pocket Hercules'). Thats not an unreasonable amount to expect. This also would likely knock the Troubadors out of first place. More on that later.

Wendigos versus Queens:

Wendigos are down by 13.63 and still have Andre Johnson (Hou), Owen Daniels (Hou) and Kevin Walter (Hou), which is also not an unreasonable amount to overcome. 3 players divided by 13.63 points is 4.55 points each. Thats roughly 2 catches with a few yards.

IF the Whiteness win and the Queens lose, the Queens are out of the playoffs based on record. IF the Queens win and Whiteness lose, Queens are in based on record. IF both the Whiteness and Queens lose, the Queens are in based on points. (MJD ain't gonna score in the vicinity of 200 fantasy points, which is what it would require for Whiteness to overcome the deficit.) IF both the Queens and Whiteness win, they are both in and Wendigos are out.

So...The Whiteness have to win their game, and hope for a Queens loss. The Queens need only to win and they get in, if they lose, they need Whiteness to lose also. The Wendigos are guaranteed a spot if they win, if they lose, they need Whiteness to lose also.

Theismann versus Lard Ends: Lards are out and Theismann is in playoffs wise, but if the Troubadors lose versus the Whiteness, and Theismann wins versus Lard Ends, then Theismann takes over first place in the league. The Lard Ends have Steve Slaton (Hou) and need 20.6 points from him. Its a lot, but its not out of the question.

I think I got that right. Hit the comments with anything I may have missed..

Go Dipsos!

Update: Stats were adjusted overnight, and the scores have shifted a bit, but the logic remains the same.

Heh. (For No Reason): Another Sort-of Rebus

Yeah, it's spelled wrong. It's still funny.


Drunken Grid Iron Hero XII: Final Edition Image Dump

Matt Leinart

Brady Quinn

Kyle 'Drinky' Orton

Kyle Boller

Shawne Merriman

Casey Hampton

Kyle Smith

Pointless Cthulhu Image

I'm gonna eat your sanity, yadda yadda yadda, my team blows, you all go fuck yourselves.

Good pic, though.


Troubadours XIII

How sad, the final week. We good teams won't have Bob, etc to kick around anymore after this week is up. There's always next year. I suggest as well, to those unfortunate managers who will not be with us after this week, to watch closely (without the fog of competition) and see how I--and, I suppose, some of those around me--play the game. It might help for next year. Just a little piece of friendly advice from the Lonestar Troubadours, whose exceptional play has set the stage for fantasy football glory for years to come.

This one goes out to my dear, sweet brother who, on the verge of elimination, must suffer the indignity of having his li'l brother humiliate him in his final appearance. I'd call it sad irony if I wasn't so delighted by the prospect. The song is to Joe Ely's Letter to Laredo and, unlike most of what I've written this season, every word of it is true. Fuck you all...go playoffs!

Where we grew up out in the piney west
We struggled to survive
But Erik, so brave, he chipped in his best
Sucking dick when he was five.

They called him Doorknob, 'cause all got a turn
Inside that sweet young hole
He made us so much we spent what he earned
on pate-filled crescent rolls.

Take this message down to Georgetown
I hope that I'm in luck
This guy wants you to go down
He'll give me fifty bucks
Erik's mouth is my salvation
His skills are the toast of the nation

Oh Erik things they've gotten so much tougher
My coffers have run dry
But I met a man who'll pay me for a fluffer
On him, their trade they'll ply

So, whaddya say, have you got one more in you?
Is your gag reflex still dead?
I need you to help me; my options are few
Will you give this guy head?
Oh, Lord, his name is Ted!

[repeat chorus]


Annoyingly Irrelevant Cthulhu Image of the Week

Welp. Thought I had a good enough team to tough it out. Sadly, no. So I am resorting to LOLCthulhu. Sorry.

It is pretty funny, though.

Fuck you all. See you December 14 at my place for poison and groin-punching.

And beer. Duh.


Playoff Scenarios

I've been looking at the standings and thinking about playoff scenarios, tell me if I miss something here, I probably will...

We have a 4 way tie for 4th place, with 4 teams at 6-6. One of these teams will not make the playoffs. Only 6 teams make the playoffs.

3rd) Brisbane Scofflaws w/ 2223.77
4th) Querque Queens w/ 2152.68
5th) Dallas Dipsomaniacs w/ 2025.92
6th) West Indian Wendigos w/ 2023.68
7th) Discursive Whiteness w/ 2011.68
8th) Redlands Lard Ends w/ 1872.78

The Queens and the Wendigos play each other this week. It is possible that the loser of this game does not make the playoffs, but notice that Whiteness plays Troubadors...If the Whiteness lose, and the Wendigos lose, then the team with the scoring advantage makes the playoffs. The same is true for the Dipsos, who play Azathoth. Notice the 14 point difference between 5th and 7th. A 6-7 team will get in to the playoffs and it is possible that another 6-7 team will not.

So here's the deal. Of these teams vying for the final playoff spot....you must win your game to make the playoffs, and you if you lose, you must score a lot of points and hope for low point scoring losses from the other contenders.

Here's a realistic scenario: The Troubadors beat Whiteness, the Dipsos beat Azathoth...The loser of the Queens vs Wendigos must have more points than the Whiteness to get in the playoffs. The Queens have a scoring advantage over Whiteness...There are a number of different possible outcomes, and crazy shit happens...

Notice that the Scofflaws are not guaranteed a playoff spot, there are scenarios where they lose while scoring almost no points, and other teams win and score lots of points. But the Scofflaws play the Highwaymen, so never mind.

The Lard Ends are also not entirely out of it, but they need to win their game and score +300 points in doing so, combined with losses from both the Dipsos and Whiteness who would both have to score almost no points. Lard Ends play Theismann this week. Never mind that one too...

I think I got that right...Hit the comments box with anything I may have missed or miscalculated.


Go Dipsos!


Dead Horse

Well, I may have lost (again [fuck!]), but at least the Cowboys won.

And Daryl's broncos [lower case sic] got beat...by the Raiders!

Ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha.

Schadenfreude is outstanding.


Troubadours XII

Well, cocksuckers, looks like Rob got off the Sybian long enough to sign up for a goddamn blog. What does he want, a fucking cupie doll? Well here you go, buddy, it's in my pocket and you can fish it out anytime you like. This one is sung to "I Fall to Pieces," written by Harlan Howard and Hank Cochrane, and sung by Patsy Cline. It goes out to the Dipsos, St. Kurt and his buddy Jesus...fuck you all, I rule this league.

Kurt loves his Jesus
Wants that beard in his lap
Kurt loves his Jesus
But now Kurt has the holy clap

It burns when he pees; there’s blood in his pants
It was worth the pain, Christ drove him insane
That Rusty Trombone; handjobs clouded his brain
From then on, Kurt loved his Jesus

Kurt loves his Jesus
His wife introduced them first
Kurt loves his Jesus
But she’s left with an unquenched thirst

They go to the show; Jesus buys some corn.
Says, “Hey Kurt, want a snack?” then his chair leans back.
“The best stuff’s way down deep” and his cock gets jacked.
Christ’s eyes roll and Kurt loves his Jesus.


Weekend Cthulhu Image

Superfluous, but I LOL'd.

HFC Convention

We need to get together for a Handlebar Football Consortium meeting one of these weekends. At least the people who are still man enough to live in Texas.

Perhaps December 6 or December 13. So many choices of places to meet. Austin, Dallas, Denton, even motherfucking Georgetown. Which is the county seat of Williamson County after all. And we have like one bar! So there.

Seriously though when the fuck are we getting together?

Hey Losers

Well, well, well. This is a nice sewing circle you girls have established here. Your little pictures and such are cute. Just wanted to take a moment to thank the Redlands Lard Ends for lubing me up this week so I can slide into the Hershey Highwaymen next week for the regular season finale. In other news, the Theismann Femur Club will lose both games and wonder how the first round bye slipped away when it seemed such a sure thing.

Here I come, Pussies. Please start getting my crown ready.

Thanks for the invite.

PS - Kyle Orton is sooo cool with his chin-cthulu! I wish he was my mom!



Drunken Grid Iron Hero XI

This week DGH is a cautionary tale. Kyle 'Drinky' Orton, starting QB of the Chicago Bears likes to drink. He drinks Jack Daniels (and chases with coke like he was a kicker or your mom), but mixes it up with some champagne or beer now and then. He also likes to have his picture taken in nightclubs and at parties, usually after he has drunkenly spit up on himself.

Woooo! Rawk out Drinky! Your mag of Cliquot and crazy witty T-shirt make your air drum playing all the more slammin!

Just don't end up like Kenny Stabler. Sometimes he gets his picture taken while he's drunk too...

Cthulhu Pic of the Week

Republican Cthulhu. Heh.

Found here.


Looooooooooooooooooomis, Looooooooooooomis

I don't really have anything clever to say. Just that I'm thrilled I've beaten Erik.

Here are some lovely heirloom candy stripe beets for you to enjoy looking at.

Heh, Erik is a loser.