Eli's Big Adventure


Nice job starting Eli over Cassel. You are clearly every bit the football genius that you appear to be.

Better luck next year, loser.

Polish up your yamulke Theismanns. I'm coming for you next.

Is your femur aching with anticipation yet?

Seriously though, go out there and break a leg.


A Corrective


Go Theismanns!!!



Fuck You All, I Suck, See You Sunday! (Bonus Pointless Cthulhu Image Included)

Official Handlebar Football Consortium Meeting: Here, Sunday. See you then, losers.

Oh, shit. I'm the loser.

Well, fuck all of you, and bring booze.


Troubadours XIV

So, it's come to this: a semi-final match against my old nemesis. I had dearly hoped this would come next week, but the fates are impatient so forced my loss to Erik two weeks ago to set this up. No matter, this will be beautiful to watch...in front of your face. This playoff-themed number is sung to Guy Clark's "L.A. Freeway." Fuck you all; Troubadours rule, especially down the stretch!

It was just three years ago
A game you losers all know
He was the Empire, me the Elways
But the result was far beyond gay.
Now I get another chance
To make the Scofflaws piss their pants
Now’s the time for humiliation
Before I enjoy a winner’s adulation

If I can just get out of the semi-finals
Without losing my quarterback
I’ll take it to the winner’s circle
To prove what you fuckers lack lack lack

Here’s a little tip for you Rob
When you feel in your ass a corn cob
Just relax and let it in
Sit on back and accept my win.
If you try you might enjoy it
Don’t tell me it doesn’t quite fit
We won’t need to use no grease
Because you’re lubed up from defeat


When you think back on this year
And you wipe away that single tear
You were beaten by your better
By my skill your play was fettered.
Don’t worry, little princess
You did well in games that meant less
You can sit and watch me next week
As I beat a Jew or future medic.




Another year, another first round playoff loss.

I am the Dallas Cowboys of our league. Consistent choking in the clutch, dropping of snaps, owners criticizing players' toughness (where the fuck were you all year Anthony Gonzalez you fucking pussy), throwing untimely interceptions, dating ditzy blonde singers with huge breasts, etc., etc.

Like the real Dallas Cowboys I am to a good football team what John Travolta was to real cowboys in Urban Cowboy. A fucking poser.

Also, fuck Steve Smith.


Wendigos on the Warpath

Said Erik:

How many times did the white nations crush a West Indian slave revolt? This game will be one more.
Heh. He must have thought it was White Boy Day. I guess Steve Smith went all Nat Turner on your ass last night, huh?

You're next, Theismann. I'm coming for you like LT.



Handicapping the Playoffs

John Madden and I have been taking a close look at this thing, and this is how it shakes out according to our calculations:

If I beat the Dipsos this week, go on to beat the Darylettes next week, and get by the winner of the other bracket the following week, I will be the league champion.

Conversely, were I to lose any of those three games, another team is more likely to wind up as champion, and I would finish at some other ranking.

In order to achieve my goal, it looks like I am going to have to score more points than my opponent in each game. I'm probably talking out of school here a bit (fellow playoff contenders please cover your eyes), but for Bob's sake I will share some of my strategery. What I will try to do each week is field as many players as possible from my team and/or the waiver wire within the constructs of our league's roster requirements who I believe will score the most points at their respective positions. If I am more successful than my weekly opponent the odds will shift heavily in my favor. If not, my chances of success diminish significantly.

That's how Madden and I see it anyway. I could care less what happens to the rest of you.

If'n you ain't first, you're last.



The Sound of Silence

Anyone else notice how quiet Daryl's been on the blog this week? The loudest silence I've ever heard.


Two words from your regular season champs

Go Theimanns!!!

Sweeping Daryl

Which one of these brooms should I use to sweep out Daryl? He just can't beat his big brother. I'm so in his head, it's crazy. He's lost 3 times this year. Twice to me. His team might be better, I don't know. But I do know he can't beat me. I believe he is 0-4 against me in my 2 years in this league.

It's not just fantasy either. I routinely beat the shit out of Daryl in Madden. I don't even have a video game system at home, but Daryl, despite his supposed tough blitzing defense and fullback runs, loses to me about 2 out of every 3 games. It's been this way since we were kids. It's even more pronounced now. For all Daryl practices and claims to have figured out new strategies, I still pick him to death.

Poor Daryl. Does it feel bad to have such a superior big brother? I know it was hard growing up in my shadow. It must still be hard. I feel so bad for you. Don't we all feel bad for Daryl?


My Team

If you didn't get it:

My team is a steaming pile of shit.

You're welcome.