2009-11-16

Bud Adams, my new hero.

You would never see Jerry Jones doing this. Not because Jerry wouldn't do it, he just wouldn't get caught red handed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTxHuUGG_2c


2009-10-30

Bulger

I just want to send my kudos to Matt for not only starting Marc Bulger against Daryl this week, but actually going to the free agent wire and making the decision that Bulger was his best option.

I only want to suggest that if you really want to use a Rams QB, you might consider Jim Everett, or perhaps Norm Van Brocklin. At least they will limit your losses to zero points.

2009-10-26

Portrait of the coach as a young man


"h. Check out this football card ofJosh McDaniels. It's from 1995, from the Big 33 high school all-star game between Pennsylvania and Ohio. It's the only card of McDaniels, obviously, seeing that he went on to play Division III football and never played in the NFL. When he got the Denver coaching job last January, the card could be had for 75 cents. On Friday, it was selling for $40 on some of the secondary markets.


2009-10-25

Who Says Gay Marriage Isn't Mainstream?


Tampa Bay Buccaneers Owners Joel & Malcolm Glazer

God Damn Wow


How 'bout them Hawkeyes!?

And jebus, guys. How about some posts or something?

2009-10-12

Just the tonic I needed.

Just like year, again I got off to a rough start this season. And again, my first win comes against Daryl. Thanks for being my bitch.

Of course, knowing my luck, Ted Ginn will lose 5 fumbles and Ronnie Brown will run it in 6 or 7 times, the last TD coming on the last play of the game. Only I could blow a 76 point lead...

Rush Wants to Buy the Rams?!

Well, yeah, with a group of other investors.

Ooh, but, yeah, the NFL Player's Association indirectly nicely told him to fuck off in a communique' to the league.

Why a largely African-American player base wouldn't want to play for a known bigot racist asshole is beyond me!

2009-10-09

Time Again for the Kickers We Are Trading

Ach. After some slowness in the starting, the Anschluss gears up for push.

To our attention it has come that this, this kicker, this Nicholas Volk

...he is having unseemly Communist tendencies. Perhaps we should have known from his name, ja?

There fore. Yes, we demand Lyrad must trade with us the kickers. Muss es sein.

Der Anschuss kommt endlich. Seien Sie bereit.

2009-10-06

John Elway, Right-Wing Douchebag



This is John Elway on a counterterrorism video. It's not too late John, you can still run as a Republican for the Colorado Senate seat

Tony Romo Is My Favorite QB

In the Star-Telegram, via the SI Website

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is getting a lot of criticism for throwing consecutive passes to fourth receiver Sam Hurd against Denver standout cornerback Champ Bailey on third and fourth down to end the game in Sunday's 17-10 loss. Is is possible that Romo didn't know it was fourth down? Following the final incomplete pass to end the Cowboys hopes, a video caught on KDFW Fox-4 shows Romo seemingly telling his linemen to line back up. He then flashes three fingers to one of the game officials. After hearing the response, Romo screams and walks off field. If true, Romo apparently forgot about the spike to stop the clock on second down.

2009-10-05

Once again....

How many times can you lose in the final minutes of the last game? I was holding on to my lead until PRivers got hit by Harrison and fumbled. Last meaningful play of the game, and just enough points to edge me out. Seriously, if I had a 100 point lead in the final game, 4th quarter, 2 minute warning, the opposing QB would throw a 99 yard TD, get the onside kick, throw another 50 yard TD, etc., until that lead dissolved.

Epic fail, part II. Great game OC Log Cabins-- I'm the Kerry Collins of the HFC now.

2009-10-04

JaMarcus Russell

Man, Oakland sort of kind of looks like they have a Defense. Too bad JaMarcus Russell...


...couldn't find a hex wrench at an IKEA.


...couldn't find a pot dealer at Burning Man.


...couldn't find a drunk dude in the Wrigley Field bleachers.


...or add your own version! Think you've got what it takes?

...

That's funny, because so does JaMarcus Russell (who is 11-30 for 110 yards, 2 sacks for -8, and a lost fumble as of this writing [updated 2:52 PM]).

2009-10-03

2009-10-01

Daryl's Self-Portrait, Week 4


Last week we saw Daryl's fantasy about getting back at me for beating him every time we face. This week, he shows what actually happens to him when we meet.

As always, Daryl's on the bottom.

2009-09-28

Worst. Font. Ever.

Tweets Of The Week September 28

David Clowney got into some trouble on Twitter. Rex Ryan has benched him for next weeks game after he posted this tweet after Sunday's win:

"1 play in the 1st Half, 4 plays in the 2nd half . . . A bit disappointed about my playing time but very happy and satisfied about the win."

Ryan's point seems to be that no one player is bigger than the team (someone should tell this to Brett Favre). Clowney has since deleted every other tweet on his feed and left this:

My team always comes first so I'ma just keep grinding,.. And we gonna keep winning

Hmmm...notice the time stamp. Curious.


Now, lets follow Chad Ochocinco as he takes a trip to Dallas to see tonights game:

Esteban arises headed to Dallas to see my boy Steve Smith play, may you all have a WAMW Monday!!!!!


2009-09-27

Eli Manning Throws 2 TDs, Is Excited by Balloons

(New York)--Giants quarterback Eli Manning threw two touchdowns Sunday in a victory over the Buccaneers in Tampa, taking the Giants to 3-0 on the season. Reached for comment, Manning remarked, "I saw a kitty from the bus!"

"I like kittys, and balloons too!" said Manning later. "I wanted to see the kitty some more but Mommy said I should just get in my PJs and get ready for sleepytime."

Eli's wife, Abby, was sympathetic yet stern. "Please don't call me 'Mommy,' Eli, we have company," she said tenderly.


Above: Eli (L) and Abby Manning arrive at a New York Mensa Society Couples' Meeting last summer

"Eli's a kind man, but he gets easily excited by things like candy and sparkling objects," Abby said. "Eli--or Mealticket, as I sometimes call him--needs focus and direction, like so many gifted athletes."

"I only wish he was physically gifted in other areas," she added sadly. "Does anyone here want to finger-fuck me? Eli's got his Juice Box and should be distracted for a few minutes trying to open it."

Manning spends most of his spare time with his friend Steelers quarterback "Cuddly" Ben Rothlisberger. The pair spend countless hours studying still photos of plays from the previous weeks' games and finding their favorite Teletubbies in the formations.

Was ist this Log Cabins?

I am not understanding this...this log cabins. I am thinking that it is perhaps film where people are paid to make the shit upon you, yes? In Germany we have such things as this. Again I am suggesting we ask your Lyrad, he seems to like his movies, and also having shit upon himself.

Perhaps, though, it is as some kind of Treat for Die Kinderen, like the so-called Gingers Bread House?


Regardless, they shall be disposed with in such a manner as shit for toilets, I am thinking this.

Only Marginally Related...


Wow. Fuckin' go Hawkeyes!

2009-09-24

Daryl's Self-Portrait, Week 3


Daryl paints himself red this week. It's his fantasy of defeating me (in blue) in fantasy football. Sadly, he is 0-5 against me in 3 seasons. Because he just can't beat his big brother. He can fantasize about bayoneting me in the neck though.

2009-09-22

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory...

Good game, Capetown (with the pull ahead catch on the penultimate play of the Monday night game). 158.86 - 156.10 final.

Also: Fuck you, Buckeye asshat Ted Ginn Jr.

2009-09-20

2009-09-18

NFL Tweets Of The Week Sept. 19

This week lets take a look at some jawing between former Patriot Rodney Harrison and current J-e-t-s Jets Jets Jet Kerry Rhodes. Apparently Rodney is trying to do the media thing now, he's got some gig with ESPN. On Friday he appeared on one of the ESPN radio shows and talked a little smack about Kerry. As far as I can tell, Rodney then responded to a question/smack talk posed to him via Twitter. Before that posting though, it is important to take a look at the post the directly preceded Rodney going on the radio and talking smack about Kerry and the J-E-T-S.

Rodneyh37The Patriots won't go into a war of words with any team, they hear everything and then use it to play better on Sunday.

2009-09-17

Cthulhu Perfune

Not that I care about Lovecraft, but given last's year theme on the blog, I thought this actual product would be appropriate for a post.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/09/eau_de_cthulhu.php

2009-09-15

This is a True Story

So a sorority has asked me to give an inspirational "Last Lecture" talk. This means I am supposed to be inspirational. What kind of advice do you gentlemen suggest I give these young women? Stay away from my little brother? Don't sit in a barber chair when Michael Irvin wants a trim?

Presented without Comment

Tackled in the Infield!

It's really too bad we don't live in the richest fucking country in the world. It'd be nice if we could afford to play football in football stadia. But sadly, no.

2009-09-14

Daryl's Self-Portrait


I think this says it all. Poor bastard. Or bitch. Or whatever s/he is.

My Eyes! My Eyes!

Are those orange and white striped referee uniforms intended to humiliate them? Is this punishment for the Ed Hochulis of the world? And why isn't Hochuli doing this game?

2009-09-13

Also

Does Tampa Bay even have a pass defense?

Sport Coats

Am I the only one who thinks its fantastic that CBS still makes their sportscasters wear cheesy sport coats with the CBS emblem on them?

2009-09-12

NFL Tweets Of The Week Sept. 12

For our first installment of tweets of the week let's take a look at Donte Stallworth and Nick Barnett.

You all know Donte from an unfortunate incident this year. Expect to hear more about that in the forthcoming Criminal Gridiron Hero, the sequel to last year's Drunken Gridiron Hero. Donte is going to have plenty of time this season to watch movies. Let's follow along as he discovers 'The Usual Suspects' for the first time.

D_Stallworth18
Don't laugh @ me but i'm watching the movie USUAL SUSPECTS..... for the 1st time!!! LOL

D_Stallworth18 Couldn't help but notice the beautiful shot of the towers after they jacked the "NYPD taxi service" incident :-/

D_Stallworth18 Ok, this Kaiser Soze character is becoming real interesting!!! Hmmm...

D_Stallworth18 Aaaaaww man they off'd my dude Fenster... DAMN!!!

D_Stallworth18 OMG!!! why am I just now watching this movie for 1st time... Verbel leaving police station now... This is movie is CRAZY

D_Stallworth18 WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!! WTH!!!!!! U gotta be kidding me right?!? WOW I gotta watch that AGAIN... & AGAIN!!! that's crazy...

Yes Donte, it's crazy alright.

Now on to Nick Barnett, linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. It seems that Nick is a believer in the power of socks, so he decides to go to Dick's Sporting Goods. While on his shopping trip to gets socks and seizing the opportunity to make some dick jokes along the way, something went terribly awry.

NickBarnett Am bout to go to dicks and find me some better socks lol socks are very important believe it or not lol

NickBarnett It's kinda of wired to have the name dick right? When am in a bar (which am hardly ever in ;-)) when people ask my name they often confuse

NickBarnett It with dick lol

NickBarnett RT @tke790: @NickBarnett my wifes grandfather's name is Dick Seaman - no joke.

NickBarnett My dog has ran away I can not find him :-(.. Am worried hopefully he is safe

NickBarnett I only have video of him... He was last seen east depere if you hear any info please let me know.. I feel like http://tweetreel.com/?xb2gz

NickBarnett Here was last seen in 57 around scottchwood, oldplank... Just got a call from police.. Sorry to be using Twitter for this

NickBarnett Hopefully a local news station can help

NickBarnett He's a nice dog no need to be scared of him Last seen in depere Wi, off the 57 near oldplank WI please retweet http://twitpic.com/h9i0c

And the next day:

NickBarnett I was hoping to wake up and see my dog outside.. I hope I get a call that he is ok yodayNickBarnett Just left the stadium.. On my way to post signs... I feel someone dognapped my dog

NickBarnett Well just posted 100 signs hopefully sethkng pops up... Thanks everyone for your help

NickBarnett Called humane society they are not very helpful.. They tell just come down and look

NickBarnett Well I take back what I said about humane society :-) a nice lady from green leaf found my simba... Mufasa is very happy :-) no stampede

Pshew...tragedy averted.

2009-09-10

Team Logo Builder

Austin Anschluss Team Logo (prototype)

Well. You have to be signed into Yahoo!, and it's brought to you by Toyota (who else? wait. what?), but this:

Team Logo Builder

has possibilities.

I mean, right?

2009-09-05

NFL Tweet Of The Week: Pre-Season Edition

I've become so enamored with Twitter, that I want to make something useful out of the time I spend on it. I'll be posting at least one tweet every week, probably on Monday, from someone involved in the NFL. Now...I know that VeryFakeAlDavis is actually a writer for some internet football publication, but its too funny to disqualify for being a fake account.

VeryFakeAlDavis
If Jeff Garcia isn't going to sing to Oompa Loompa song, he can't be on the roster. Simple as that.

2009-09-04

Ancillary League Offering

Gentlemen of the Handlebar Football Consortium:

There is a specter haunting Fantasy Football. The hegemony of being good has for too long overwhelmed us; a corrective is natural, necessary, and imminent.

Please join us in the new glorious Revolution: The Zero-Sum League.

In this league, the goal is to field the worst team possible. Points are subtracted where they would normally be awarded, e.g. a rushing touchdown nets you -6 points.

Conversely, you are rewarded for incompetence. Sacked for a loss? 2 points. Miss a short field goal? 5 Points.

And so forth. Just imagine you're planning like this gentleman:

Figure 1: Josh McDaniels wonders how else he can fuck up the perennial playoff contender he inherited. I'm saying: spread offense. Or maybe an option/zone-read. They'll never see that coming. Who's his quarterback again?

Every team will field 5 QBs, 6 WRs, 6 RBs, 4 TEs, 2 Ks, and 2 Team DEFs.

There is no bench.

Will you go for all backup QBs...if you can? Or do you take McFadden and hope he throws three picks? Maybe Favre gets hurt; do you really want to start Jackson? What if he plays? The possibilities are staggering.

Injured players are not allowed on active rosters.

You should all have an invitation in the inbox of the Yahoo mail account you use for the league.

(The password is: null)

Hope you all will join--it should be fun.

Oh, and Revolution, and stuff.

Sator Arepo
Univ of Phoenix Jamz!11! 1 !

--Translation from German version follows (worth reading [there, indeed, is no bank])--

Lords of the handlebar Football Consortium:

It is a ghost of Fantasy Football. The hegemony to be good for too long has overwhelmed us, a course correction is imminent and immediate need.

Please visit us in the new Glorious Revolution: The Zero-Sum League.

In this league is the goal, the worst possible team field. Points are deducted when they are normally granted, such as a rushing touchdown networks to -6 points.

Conversely, you are rewarded for incompetence. Sacked for a loss? 2 points. Miss a short field goal? 5 points.

And so on. Imagine you are planning, as this gentleman:

Figure 1: Josh McDaniels wonders how he normally to fuck the perennial playoff contender, he can be inherited. I say, spread offense. Or perhaps an option / zone read. You will see that never come. Who's quarterback again?

Each team will QBs 5, 6 WRs, 6 RBS, 4 time staff, 2 K's box, and 2 team DEFS.

There is no bank.

Will you go for all the backup QBs ... if you can? Or keep McFadden and hope he throws three notes? Perhaps Favre gets hurt, do you really start to Jackson? What if he plays? The possibilities are enormous.

Injured players are not allowed on the active duty rosters.

They should all have an invitation to the entrance of the Yahoo mail account you use for the league.

(Das Passwort ist: null)

Join Hope you all are - it should be fun.

Oh, and revolutionary, and stuff.

Sator Arepo
University of Phoenix Jamz! 11! 1!

2009-08-30

For the Crackers, For Upcoming First Game of Foot Balls

Liebste Herr Cracker,

Anfangs waren wir verwirrt: Capes? Städte? Crackers? Welchen Sinn hat das?

[At first we were confused: Capes? Cities? Crackers? What sense does it?]




Ein wenig Recherche erste war erforderlich.

[A little research first was necessary. ]

Nun ist es klar: Sie sind mit der Collage-machen, ja? Wie alt Dadaisten. Das ist gut: dieses gestorbenen dekorative entartete Kunst ist keine Bedrohung mehr für uns.

[Now it is clear that you are familiar with the collage, yes? How old Dadaists. That's good: this defunct degenerate decorative art is no longer a threat to us.]

Bitte, das ist in Ordnung. Fahren Sie mit diesem Nebeneinander von unabhängigen dumme Dinge. Ihre Kunst durcheinander sicher spiegeln eine Schlamperei des Geistes. Bald werden Sie als Anhang beigefügt werden, und aus reinem.

[Please, this is in order. Take this juxtaposition of unrelated stupid things. Your art certainly reflect a sloppy mess of the mind. Soon you will be annexed, and pure.]

Herr S. Arepo
Austin Anschluß

2009-08-28

Lyrad, The Kickers We Are Back Trading?

Herr Lyrad,

Wir sind zufällig Swapping Die Kickers, ja?

Dies ist nicht akzeptabel natürlich auch für unser exzellentes Team. Bitte um Handel ihn zurück. Ich bin dieser Verdacht Mason Crosby zu haben ... dekadenten Elemente, wie Sie es sagen, ja?

[Mr. Lyrad,

We accident swapping the kickers, right?

This is not acceptable, of course, for our excellent team. Request for trading him back. I have this suspicion Mason Crosby to ... decadent elements, as you say it, yes?]

Your team I believe to be made mostly of the girl players.

2009-08-22

Not even these will help you



The Inland Ileus is unstoppable in its capacity to "stop you up".

In what round will you take your "back up" "tight end"?

Will the German blaggarts take their humble pie "a la commode"?

Will Chumley be able to give victims of the Ileus treatment advice?

(Thanks to fiftysomethingwomen.com for the picture).

2009-08-20

So...uhhh...

Are we getting a new guy? I know that Rob had a player for us...I think that anyone can invite a player to the league, it doesn't have to be Goodelstein.

Draft day rapidly approaches...

2009-08-19

Favre Is Bassoon Also, Ja?

Ich weiß nicht, wie werden Sie sagen, dass mit Ihren amerikanischen Fußbälle. Für uns, Fuß-Ball wird mit den Füßen, ja? So dass diese Imagination Fußball ist für mich ein Ding, was neu ist, werden.

[I do not know how will you say that with your American footballs. For us, the foot-ball with their feet, yes? So this Football Imagination for me is a thing that is new will.]

Ich habe gerade Ihr ESPNs für die gute Information - das ist richtig, ja? Von diesem ... diese vorläufige Uhr Ich bin Erhebung, dass dieser Mann ist am besten Fuß Ball Spieler in Nord-und Südamerika.

[I have just read your ESPN for the good information - that's right, yes? From this ... this preliminary survey clock I am that this man is the best foot ball player in North and South America.]

Abbildung 1: Favre mit anderen Menschen Kontakt

Die besten Fußballer müssen dann auf das Team der Anschluss. Dies kann nicht geholfen werden. Er von seinem Namen ist vielleicht Französisch? Dies wird nicht ein Problem für uns.

[The best footballers have to be on the team of the Annex. This can not be helped. He, by his name is French, perhaps? This is not a problem for us. ]


Durch die Art, wie er ist, mit anderen Menschen, so scheint es, dass, wie Sie sagen, er ist vielleicht ein Fagott?

[By way he is with other man, it seems that, as you say, he is perhaps a bassoon?]

Abbildung 2: Ein Fagott

Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob Wort übersetzt werden. Wie Sie Ihre Lyrad, er mag die ... die Männer, ja?

[I am not sure that word to be translated. How your Lyrad, he likes to ... the men, yes? In the mouth?]


Ich denke Fagott, bitte korrigieren Sie mich, wenn dies nicht stimmt.

[I think bassoon, please correct me if this is not true.]