You're Welcome

I know you are all thanking me for beating Daryl. Really, is there anything better than beating Daryl? I guess if he had been playing Jacob and was defeated by a 6 TD game from Favre, maybe that would have better. Last year it became utterly routine to beat Daryl, but after a fast start, I figured it was time to put him in his place. As a loser.


Fuck you Brett Favre

Just when things were finally going well, you had to throw 6 fucking TD's.

Fuck you soo much.

I have a lot of running backs. Thin at WR.

E. James anyone for a halfway decent receiver?

PS Go PRivers! If he throws, I don't know, 7 or 8 TDs I might have a chance.

PPS Fuck you Brett Favre. I loathe you.


Overdue Cthulhu Image of the Week

(Click to enlarge)

Troubadours, IV

It's an exciting week for me to be able to kick the shit out of my brother. To celebrate, I have this little song set to the tune of Kenny Rogers' "Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers." Enjoy, and fuck you all.

And I told him that when we play this week
Discursive Whiteness will get completely trounced
But he thinks that, because he's on a streak
A victory will quickly be announced.

He forgets that he's got no fuckin' balls
And players who scream "Mommy!" when they're down.
When he's losing, he'll be consoled at the mall
Finding little boys to put in gowns.

You might think because we're brothers
I wouldn't say he fucks his mother
But he does, I can't lie
He dreams it every day.

Maybe if he had his druthers
He would start to run for cover
Give it up, turn out the lights
And make plans for another day.


Drunken Grid Iron Hero of the Week...

C'mon Eli...MGD? Please, at least PBR has character and Miller Lite makes you fit in with the rest of the crowd, but MGD?


Suspending My Team

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to announce that I am suspending my team this week so that I can go to Washington and solve the economic crisis. I encourage you all to do the same, for the good the country.

God Bless America.


Where's The Trashtalking?

Since you guys are lame and aren't posting this week, I thought I'd just say how much I hate Daryl. He's going to wish having those Bronco jammies with the footies back so he could curl up next to mommy after I am through with him.

Also, I have a lot of top flight defensive players available. I'd be happy to move one straight up for Tony Romo.


Two Things

WTF? This dude had 5 TDs yesterday, 4 rushing, 1 passing. Shiva H. Vishnu!

Fucking awesome. The Cowboys, that is, not just this heavily-photoshopped image.


Matt Schaub Sucks

Fig. 1: What the fuck is wrong with this asshole, and why does anyone
think he should be a professional football player?

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ does this guy ever suck. I'm watching StatTracker because I've got two Tejano receiver types in the red zone, and twice on this drive Schaub's completion percentage finally gets to 50% on passes for negative yards.

Fuck you, Matt Schaub. Fuck you to death.


Troubadours, III

This one goes out to the Dallas Dipsos, and is sung to Marty Robbins' Big Iron. I like this video more than any others, though the song is incomplete, because of '70s mustaches and '70s NASCAR. GO CARS! This week is especially great because I'll be the last undefeated team. GO BRONCOS!

Well, I’m talkin’ about the Dipsos before their Week 3 loss
The Troubadours will crush them and nail them to a cross
This pathetic little franchise, they’re puny weak-kneed pricks
And I’m gonna bend them over with a spiked ring on my dick.
Spiked ring on my dick.

You know just what the Dipsos might say in such a case:
“Please get me fuckin’ plastered; please don’t spray it on my face!”
I cackle at his asking, push him down and lay some kicks
Then I get on down to business with a spiked ring on my dick
Spiked ring on my dick.

If you’d just relax a little, it wouldn’t hurt so goddamned bad
The feeling shouldn’t shock you, just pretend that I’m your dad
He may be much more loving but these spikes are like his sores
Building back those calluses you got when you were four
Got when you were four.

Now my story’s finally finished, poor Jon is sleeping sound
When football is all over, the Dipsos pounded in the ground
They’re walking kind of funny; they look a little sick
Living with the memory of that spiked ring on my dick
Spiked ring on my dick.


You only heard about it here...

but Mike Vrabel is on the trading block. He's not quite the drunkard that Jared Allen is, so the Dipsos are offering him up for trade. We may be willing to package Devery Henderson for a starting RB or 1st string WR. The Dipsos will look at any RB or WR for Vrabel alone. Remember that Vrabel scores TD's sometimes in goal line situations, as well as his normal large number of tackles and passes defended. His bye week is early, week 4, so you have a DL all locked up for the rest of the season, no worries about dropping or adding players.

Inquire to: Dallas Dipsomaniac Football Club c/o Winedale Tavern, 1720 Greenville Ave., Dallas Texas or jonathangillespie@yahoo.com

The Dallas Dipsomaniacs thank you for your consideration.

Go Dipsos!


I Got Your Sanity Right Here

His t-shirt has the Dipso credo emblazoned upon it...

and that's why Big Ben is our drunken gridiron hero of the day. Rumor has it that his girlfriend got real pissed when these pics hit the web.

Go Dipsos!


Though the Lard Ends are in a rebuilding year...

.. they still have the same record as the fucking Seattle Seahawks.

Seriously, I'd rather lose to Erik than Buffalo AND the '49ers.

Anorexic Cowboys Fan

It's a national tragedy, folks. Won't someone please give this skinny fuck a hot dog or something? There's a dangerous amount of oxygenated blood flowing through his Wendy's Frosty (TM) circulation system.

My guess: He's only in Dallas because he had to evacuate H-town.

Someone's TE wants the whole world to see his cock...

and that disgusts even the drunkest of the Dallas Dipsomaniacs. We just vomited a little bit in our mouths, but then we realized it was probably the Jaeger making us mouth puke.

Go Dipsos!

Only 230?

God, only 230 points for me this week? What a down week. Well, I'll try to take it easier on the Highwaymen this week than I did on the Lard Ends.


Mini-Manning for Trade

Young Master Elisha looked pretty good today, fantasy-wise:

3 TDs
0 INTs
2 Sacks
20 Completions for 260 yards

= 40.50 pts.

For the right RB or WR, I'll trade him one-to-one. I'm deep at QB, because Aaron (Bob Geldof) Rodgers is fucking incredible and McNabb is healthy so far.

Yeah, yeah, I'm cocky, I'm stupid to bet on McNabb's durability, Rodgers hasn't played anybody, Eli put up those points against the Lambs, whatever. You shitbags wanna trade or not?

I'm looking in your direction, Daryl.


I wonder if the Colts are glad they gave that big contract to Adam Vinatieri. I mean a long last year of 39 yards is awesome and missing 30 yard chip shots down the middle is even better.

Er....never mind.


Troubadours, II

Hey, fuck you everybody! This one's for Chumley and the Wendigos, poised to fall in dramatic, humiliating fashion, sung to the tune of Mel Tillis's great "Mental Revenge," performed here by Waylon. Here's to everyone else having 0-0 ties! GO BRONCOS! GO TROUBADOURS!

If ya wanna back up all your cannibal talk
Then here's a little meat in your face.
Don't think that because my man Brady is gone
Your team can keep up my pace.

I know you want to kiss me
But you can't, you smell like booze
Put your pants back on; all your dignity's gone
The Wendigos are going to lose.

And I will have two, two, two...two straight wins.
And I will have two, two, two...two straight wins.

[I especially like those last couple of lines. By the way, Matter's finally contacted me, so his pussy ass should field his team this week. Until next time, fuck everybody but me!]


Daryl Won?

Hey Daryl, congratulations on matching your win total from last year.



Cthulhu for Dummies:

The sound kind of sucks, sorry.


note to self:

never start a player that legally changed his name in the last week or so.




ok boys (and girls?)

I'm so glad there will now be an internet record forever of all of this.

Yahoo is on the ball; my roster has updated to reflect "Chad Ocho Cinco".

Maybe Erik could change his name to "Erik Soy una Mujer Biológica"

Lard rules. Kurt Warner-led Dipsos, ready yourselves for death by pork fat.

"He prepared me for this over a long period of time--in lower-profile locker rooms and the grocery store and in Europe", Kurt Warner on his personal relationship with the Great Fat Renderer in the Sky


The Slackers

What kind of smackdown do we need to get the lame asses who haven't signed up to the blog yet on board? Where the hell is Tony, among others?

Your Sanity, I Am Eating It


Troubadours, I

Here's a little ditty for Azathoth. Sung to the tune of "Alone and Forsaken" by Hank Williams. You're going down:

We meet on the first week, you’re already cold
Your players are gay, like McCain, you’re scheme’s old
Your team was the flower from which your dreams bloom’d
But after the draft you knew you were doom’d.

And now you sit mournful, a loss at your door
Your players stand mock’d; their performance was poor.
At zero-and-one, your hopes start to die
The Troubadours laugh while Azathoth cries.

Bob sucks and he’s takin’ it straight up the ass
Oh shit, here comes Austin
No, wait, that’s just gas.

[repeat ad nauseum]

Puny Mortals!

The Devil is a Dipsomaniac

Dallas Dipsomaniac Football


Sweet Smack Talk

You're all going down.

The mighty Azathoth will drive your puny mortal minds to goo.

That's all for now.


Fuck All Of You

Fuck all of you.

Fucking losers.