Playoff Update

The Jacksonville @ Houston is gonna be super important! Two shitty teams deciding who gets in the fantasy playoffs! Awesome!

Lets see...

The three teams still fighting for the last playoff spot are the Queens, Wendigos and Whiteness. The Dipsos have won their game, there are no players on Monday in their match, and are guaranteed a spot. (Update: The Dipsos have DeMeco Ryans (Hou), but it doesn't matter)

Troubadors versus Whiteness:

Whiteness is down by 7.38 points and still has Maurice Jones Drew (Jax) left to play (Rich Eisen calls him 'Pocket Hercules'). Thats not an unreasonable amount to expect. This also would likely knock the Troubadors out of first place. More on that later.

Wendigos versus Queens:

Wendigos are down by 13.63 and still have Andre Johnson (Hou), Owen Daniels (Hou) and Kevin Walter (Hou), which is also not an unreasonable amount to overcome. 3 players divided by 13.63 points is 4.55 points each. Thats roughly 2 catches with a few yards.

IF the Whiteness win and the Queens lose, the Queens are out of the playoffs based on record. IF the Queens win and Whiteness lose, Queens are in based on record. IF both the Whiteness and Queens lose, the Queens are in based on points. (MJD ain't gonna score in the vicinity of 200 fantasy points, which is what it would require for Whiteness to overcome the deficit.) IF both the Queens and Whiteness win, they are both in and Wendigos are out.

So...The Whiteness have to win their game, and hope for a Queens loss. The Queens need only to win and they get in, if they lose, they need Whiteness to lose also. The Wendigos are guaranteed a spot if they win, if they lose, they need Whiteness to lose also.

Theismann versus Lard Ends: Lards are out and Theismann is in playoffs wise, but if the Troubadors lose versus the Whiteness, and Theismann wins versus Lard Ends, then Theismann takes over first place in the league. The Lard Ends have Steve Slaton (Hou) and need 20.6 points from him. Its a lot, but its not out of the question.

I think I got that right. Hit the comments with anything I may have missed..

Go Dipsos!

Update: Stats were adjusted overnight, and the scores have shifted a bit, but the logic remains the same.

Heh. (For No Reason): Another Sort-of Rebus

Yeah, it's spelled wrong. It's still funny.


Drunken Grid Iron Hero XII: Final Edition Image Dump

Matt Leinart

Brady Quinn

Kyle 'Drinky' Orton

Kyle Boller

Shawne Merriman

Casey Hampton

Kyle Smith

Pointless Cthulhu Image

I'm gonna eat your sanity, yadda yadda yadda, my team blows, you all go fuck yourselves.

Good pic, though.


Troubadours XIII

How sad, the final week. We good teams won't have Bob, etc to kick around anymore after this week is up. There's always next year. I suggest as well, to those unfortunate managers who will not be with us after this week, to watch closely (without the fog of competition) and see how I--and, I suppose, some of those around me--play the game. It might help for next year. Just a little piece of friendly advice from the Lonestar Troubadours, whose exceptional play has set the stage for fantasy football glory for years to come.

This one goes out to my dear, sweet brother who, on the verge of elimination, must suffer the indignity of having his li'l brother humiliate him in his final appearance. I'd call it sad irony if I wasn't so delighted by the prospect. The song is to Joe Ely's Letter to Laredo and, unlike most of what I've written this season, every word of it is true. Fuck you all...go playoffs!

Where we grew up out in the piney west
We struggled to survive
But Erik, so brave, he chipped in his best
Sucking dick when he was five.

They called him Doorknob, 'cause all got a turn
Inside that sweet young hole
He made us so much we spent what he earned
on pate-filled crescent rolls.

Take this message down to Georgetown
I hope that I'm in luck
This guy wants you to go down
He'll give me fifty bucks
Erik's mouth is my salvation
His skills are the toast of the nation

Oh Erik things they've gotten so much tougher
My coffers have run dry
But I met a man who'll pay me for a fluffer
On him, their trade they'll ply

So, whaddya say, have you got one more in you?
Is your gag reflex still dead?
I need you to help me; my options are few
Will you give this guy head?
Oh, Lord, his name is Ted!

[repeat chorus]


Annoyingly Irrelevant Cthulhu Image of the Week

Welp. Thought I had a good enough team to tough it out. Sadly, no. So I am resorting to LOLCthulhu. Sorry.

It is pretty funny, though.

Fuck you all. See you December 14 at my place for poison and groin-punching.

And beer. Duh.


Playoff Scenarios

I've been looking at the standings and thinking about playoff scenarios, tell me if I miss something here, I probably will...

We have a 4 way tie for 4th place, with 4 teams at 6-6. One of these teams will not make the playoffs. Only 6 teams make the playoffs.

3rd) Brisbane Scofflaws w/ 2223.77
4th) Querque Queens w/ 2152.68
5th) Dallas Dipsomaniacs w/ 2025.92
6th) West Indian Wendigos w/ 2023.68
7th) Discursive Whiteness w/ 2011.68
8th) Redlands Lard Ends w/ 1872.78

The Queens and the Wendigos play each other this week. It is possible that the loser of this game does not make the playoffs, but notice that Whiteness plays Troubadors...If the Whiteness lose, and the Wendigos lose, then the team with the scoring advantage makes the playoffs. The same is true for the Dipsos, who play Azathoth. Notice the 14 point difference between 5th and 7th. A 6-7 team will get in to the playoffs and it is possible that another 6-7 team will not.

So here's the deal. Of these teams vying for the final playoff spot....you must win your game to make the playoffs, and you if you lose, you must score a lot of points and hope for low point scoring losses from the other contenders.

Here's a realistic scenario: The Troubadors beat Whiteness, the Dipsos beat Azathoth...The loser of the Queens vs Wendigos must have more points than the Whiteness to get in the playoffs. The Queens have a scoring advantage over Whiteness...There are a number of different possible outcomes, and crazy shit happens...

Notice that the Scofflaws are not guaranteed a playoff spot, there are scenarios where they lose while scoring almost no points, and other teams win and score lots of points. But the Scofflaws play the Highwaymen, so never mind.

The Lard Ends are also not entirely out of it, but they need to win their game and score +300 points in doing so, combined with losses from both the Dipsos and Whiteness who would both have to score almost no points. Lard Ends play Theismann this week. Never mind that one too...

I think I got that right...Hit the comments box with anything I may have missed or miscalculated.


Go Dipsos!


Dead Horse

Well, I may have lost (again [fuck!]), but at least the Cowboys won.

And Daryl's broncos [lower case sic] got beat...by the Raiders!

Ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha.

Schadenfreude is outstanding.


Troubadours XII

Well, cocksuckers, looks like Rob got off the Sybian long enough to sign up for a goddamn blog. What does he want, a fucking cupie doll? Well here you go, buddy, it's in my pocket and you can fish it out anytime you like. This one is sung to "I Fall to Pieces," written by Harlan Howard and Hank Cochrane, and sung by Patsy Cline. It goes out to the Dipsos, St. Kurt and his buddy Jesus...fuck you all, I rule this league.

Kurt loves his Jesus
Wants that beard in his lap
Kurt loves his Jesus
But now Kurt has the holy clap

It burns when he pees; there’s blood in his pants
It was worth the pain, Christ drove him insane
That Rusty Trombone; handjobs clouded his brain
From then on, Kurt loved his Jesus

Kurt loves his Jesus
His wife introduced them first
Kurt loves his Jesus
But she’s left with an unquenched thirst

They go to the show; Jesus buys some corn.
Says, “Hey Kurt, want a snack?” then his chair leans back.
“The best stuff’s way down deep” and his cock gets jacked.
Christ’s eyes roll and Kurt loves his Jesus.


Weekend Cthulhu Image

Superfluous, but I LOL'd.

HFC Convention

We need to get together for a Handlebar Football Consortium meeting one of these weekends. At least the people who are still man enough to live in Texas.

Perhaps December 6 or December 13. So many choices of places to meet. Austin, Dallas, Denton, even motherfucking Georgetown. Which is the county seat of Williamson County after all. And we have like one bar! So there.

Seriously though when the fuck are we getting together?

Hey Losers

Well, well, well. This is a nice sewing circle you girls have established here. Your little pictures and such are cute. Just wanted to take a moment to thank the Redlands Lard Ends for lubing me up this week so I can slide into the Hershey Highwaymen next week for the regular season finale. In other news, the Theismann Femur Club will lose both games and wonder how the first round bye slipped away when it seemed such a sure thing.

Here I come, Pussies. Please start getting my crown ready.

Thanks for the invite.

PS - Kyle Orton is sooo cool with his chin-cthulu! I wish he was my mom!



Drunken Grid Iron Hero XI

This week DGH is a cautionary tale. Kyle 'Drinky' Orton, starting QB of the Chicago Bears likes to drink. He drinks Jack Daniels (and chases with coke like he was a kicker or your mom), but mixes it up with some champagne or beer now and then. He also likes to have his picture taken in nightclubs and at parties, usually after he has drunkenly spit up on himself.

Woooo! Rawk out Drinky! Your mag of Cliquot and crazy witty T-shirt make your air drum playing all the more slammin!

Just don't end up like Kenny Stabler. Sometimes he gets his picture taken while he's drunk too...

Cthulhu Pic of the Week

Republican Cthulhu. Heh.

Found here.


Looooooooooooooooooomis, Looooooooooooomis

I don't really have anything clever to say. Just that I'm thrilled I've beaten Erik.

Here are some lovely heirloom candy stripe beets for you to enjoy looking at.

Heh, Erik is a loser.


A Rebus, of Sorts


I'm not going to lose to...

...these pussy-ass little fuckers (a.k.a. Erik's team).

The Lard Ends will saturate you.


Troubadours, XI

Fuck you, at least I'm getting one up relatively on time this week. I love having a Thursday night game, but three days between games is brutal for this. Regardless, this one goes out to the West Indian Wendigos, the fightin'est bunch of savages to ever be conquered by a team that wishes it was an imperial power. It's sung to the Louvin Brothers' bizarre "Great Atomic Power." Troubadours fucking rule and, though you already know this, the rest of you fucking suck bags of cocks.

Do you fear your master team
That they call the Troubadours
Will you cower like a feeb
Will your face just hit the floor?

The brutality of destruction
I will rain upon your lands
Will dwarf your execution
And the blood upon my hands

Are you ready
For those Lonestar Troubadours
Can you stand to see your people turned to slaves?
Your sticks and stones are cute
But I'll fuck you 'til you're mute
Are you ready for the Lonestar Troubadours?

Cthulhu Image of the Weekend

Well, it's hard to beat the Cthulhu Family Circus, but I thought this was pretty cool.

Desperately need a win this week or it's pretty much over for me.


Damn! KRs Rule

Leon Washington is a Bad. Ass.

Dude gave me 30 points!

As a special bonus here is his girlfriend:
Because, hey, why not. It's Friday and I just finished a week of comps. So, uh, take that, or something.


Cthulhu Image, Mid-week Edition

Don't forget to set'cha rosters! Thursday game tomorrow.

Whoo! Favre vs. Brad...er, Cassel.

Don't forget to stare into the abyss of the Elder God!

(image found here.)



Just for the record, I'd like to say how much I hate Anquan Boldin today.

I also hate Jacob as well. And all of his players.

Fuck all of them.


It's official.

The Christian God is the One True and Holy God.

Join him, St. Warner, and Jesus, or be forever damned to Hell with me and PRivers.

God fucking damn it.

Meet your new Trinity.

Troubadours X

All apologies to Bob for not getting his song up in time; my week long euphoria over having sole possession of first took precedent over any other responsibilities. To make up for this injustice, I have a mid-game conciliatory song, sung to the tune of Townes Van Zandts’ “White Freightliner Blues.” Not that I have any experience with this, but I hear that in times of trouble—such as when you are losing—it’s best to sing a song. Lucky for you, I have one all lined up. Fuck you all…two games in the lead and I continue to rule….

The game’s all but wrapped up now
And I’ll continue my first place fame
The game’s all but wrapped up now
I’ll continue my first place fame
Austin Azathoth won’t find a way to steal this game

Well, the lead in wasn’t bad, Lord
When I saw the score I almost came
The lead in wasn’t bad and, Lord
When I saw the score I almost came
Austin Azathoth: A team that’s real fucking lame.

Patrick Willis could save you
But the man’s been rendered tame
Patrick Willis might have saved you
Had I not turned the man tame
By slicing off his cock, Lord, and feeding him the goddamned same

Well the game’s almost over, Bob
And your efforts have been in vain
The game is almost over Bob
Your efforts are all in vain
Now Austin Azathoth can feel the limits of his shame.

I For One Welcome Our New Chocolatier Overlords

Fucking hell. I go from upending the top-scoring, then-league-leading Scofflaws to (barring a ~30 pt performance from Larry Fitzgerald tonight - not impossible, but none too likely, either) giving the Hershey Highwaymen their first win!??!

Clearly this is the beginning of a new era in hell of passive fantasy footballdom, and Aaron's team is the team of destiny. I recommend that all of you jump on the HH bandwagon as I am doing, lest you be caught on the wrong side of history.


God fucking dammit. I had a great week and got hosed. By this little kid (aka Daryl).

Could it be?

The Dipsos trail the surging Lard Ends by 41.22 points. Luckily, the Dipsos have the Christ-powered arm of Kurt "Pious Pete" Warner. Unluckily (for the Dipsos), the Lard Ends also have starting running back Tim "I have the same name as that guy from Police Academy" Hightower.

(insert the theme song to the television series "Soap" here)

Will the existence of the Christian God be proven by Hightower breaking a leg and Warner throwing for 3 TD's and 450 yards? Or will the fat fuckers from the Inland Empire surge ahead to yet another win? Are the players on Erik's team truly discursively white, or are they just really, really frightened?


Far Better Cthulhu Image of the Week

The faceless Elder God Nyarlathotep awaits the...Troubadours? Heh. Troubadours.


Drunken Grid Iron Hero IX

Drunken Grid Iron Hero is having QB drama this week...Our starter, Kyle "Drinky" Orton is injured and may not be able to drink to his full potential...So in comes Rex "Handle O' Cheap Gin" Grossman. Can Rex really put it away like Kyle? Will Rex finally get in the game again and then get a bad case of gag reflex and start spitting his liquor back up right when we need him? Well, the picture clearly illustrates that Kyle has already puked on himself, so we have no choice but to go with Rex.


Watch Out Bitches!

It's about my team started to play like the discursively whitened football studs they are.



Kicking the shit out of Rob is real nice.

On the other hand, it puts Daryl in first place, which nobody wants.

I guess you have to take the good with the bad sometimes.

I'm also wondering why I am 2-0 against the 2 top teams and 3-4 against everyone else.

What do these three statements have in common?

"I'm very, very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing ... any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that."

"Our economy, I think, is still ― the fundamentals of our economy are strong."

"That 'longest active winning streak' is about to get snapped this week, motherfucker."

Not unless LaMarr Woodley can somehow score 34.64 points tonight.
You've been greased, my tropical clime-dwelling friend, you've been greased.


Tomorrow's Menu: Cerveza Carta Blanca

Why are they all wet? Oh, right...

Cthulhu Image of the Week

Welp, I'm having both Loomississsis and the Eckber down for the games tomorrow, so I figured I'd eat their sanity. And maybe drink some beers or something.


Troubadours IX

It's good to actually play somebody who plays the game, too. This little number is sung to the tune of Wynn Stewart's great 1962 hit "Another Day Another Dollar." Once again, fuck everyone but me.

Another game another beating
It gets me off to win each day
Another game another beating
The Querque Queens go down today

Sunday comes I hope you're ready
With your ass I'll have my way
Another game another beating
The Querque Queens go down today.

I'll break your teeth, you're gonna gum me
And take my cock in every way
I am Portnoy; you are some liver
You're gonna eat my curds and whey.

Another game another beating
It gets me off to win each day
Another day another dollar
The Querque Queens go down today.