For the Crackers, For Upcoming First Game of Foot Balls

Liebste Herr Cracker,

Anfangs waren wir verwirrt: Capes? Städte? Crackers? Welchen Sinn hat das?

[At first we were confused: Capes? Cities? Crackers? What sense does it?]

Ein wenig Recherche erste war erforderlich.

[A little research first was necessary. ]

Nun ist es klar: Sie sind mit der Collage-machen, ja? Wie alt Dadaisten. Das ist gut: dieses gestorbenen dekorative entartete Kunst ist keine Bedrohung mehr für uns.

[Now it is clear that you are familiar with the collage, yes? How old Dadaists. That's good: this defunct degenerate decorative art is no longer a threat to us.]

Bitte, das ist in Ordnung. Fahren Sie mit diesem Nebeneinander von unabhängigen dumme Dinge. Ihre Kunst durcheinander sicher spiegeln eine Schlamperei des Geistes. Bald werden Sie als Anhang beigefügt werden, und aus reinem.

[Please, this is in order. Take this juxtaposition of unrelated stupid things. Your art certainly reflect a sloppy mess of the mind. Soon you will be annexed, and pure.]

Herr S. Arepo
Austin Anschluß


Lyrad, The Kickers We Are Back Trading?

Herr Lyrad,

Wir sind zufällig Swapping Die Kickers, ja?

Dies ist nicht akzeptabel natürlich auch für unser exzellentes Team. Bitte um Handel ihn zurück. Ich bin dieser Verdacht Mason Crosby zu haben ... dekadenten Elemente, wie Sie es sagen, ja?

[Mr. Lyrad,

We accident swapping the kickers, right?

This is not acceptable, of course, for our excellent team. Request for trading him back. I have this suspicion Mason Crosby to ... decadent elements, as you say it, yes?]

Your team I believe to be made mostly of the girl players.


Not even these will help you

The Inland Ileus is unstoppable in its capacity to "stop you up".

In what round will you take your "back up" "tight end"?

Will the German blaggarts take their humble pie "a la commode"?

Will Chumley be able to give victims of the Ileus treatment advice?

(Thanks to fiftysomethingwomen.com for the picture).



Are we getting a new guy? I know that Rob had a player for us...I think that anyone can invite a player to the league, it doesn't have to be Goodelstein.

Draft day rapidly approaches...


Favre Is Bassoon Also, Ja?

Ich weiß nicht, wie werden Sie sagen, dass mit Ihren amerikanischen Fußbälle. Für uns, Fuß-Ball wird mit den Füßen, ja? So dass diese Imagination Fußball ist für mich ein Ding, was neu ist, werden.

[I do not know how will you say that with your American footballs. For us, the foot-ball with their feet, yes? So this Football Imagination for me is a thing that is new will.]

Ich habe gerade Ihr ESPNs für die gute Information - das ist richtig, ja? Von diesem ... diese vorläufige Uhr Ich bin Erhebung, dass dieser Mann ist am besten Fuß Ball Spieler in Nord-und Südamerika.

[I have just read your ESPN for the good information - that's right, yes? From this ... this preliminary survey clock I am that this man is the best foot ball player in North and South America.]

Abbildung 1: Favre mit anderen Menschen Kontakt

Die besten Fußballer müssen dann auf das Team der Anschluss. Dies kann nicht geholfen werden. Er von seinem Namen ist vielleicht Französisch? Dies wird nicht ein Problem für uns.

[The best footballers have to be on the team of the Annex. This can not be helped. He, by his name is French, perhaps? This is not a problem for us. ]

Durch die Art, wie er ist, mit anderen Menschen, so scheint es, dass, wie Sie sagen, er ist vielleicht ein Fagott?

[By way he is with other man, it seems that, as you say, he is perhaps a bassoon?]

Abbildung 2: Ein Fagott

Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob Wort übersetzt werden. Wie Sie Ihre Lyrad, er mag die ... die Männer, ja?

[I am not sure that word to be translated. How your Lyrad, he likes to ... the men, yes? In the mouth?]

Ich denke Fagott, bitte korrigieren Sie mich, wenn dies nicht stimmt.

[I think bassoon, please correct me if this is not true.]


Overheard at last nights poker game/informal fantasy football meeting...

"It was sadness for you, that is all!" - Daryl, on the occasion of winning a pot


"C'mon Daryl, you should re-buy one more time...its only 9:30" - at about 10:45


"C'mon Daryl, you should re-buy one more time...its only 8:30" - at about 11:45

Look Please to Polska for Example

Nur die sieben Tage noch bis zum Phantasie Draft. Bitte keine Angst Anschluss. Look: Polen haben wir im Anhang, und sie haben noch Kätzchen auf Briefmarke!

[Only seven days until the Imagination draft. Please do not be afraid connection. Look: Poland, we have in the notes, and they have yet to stamp Kittens!]

Sie sind gut! Und Katze ist immer noch süß, nicht Angst. Ja?

[You are good! And cat is still sweet, not afraid. Yes?]


10th Man...

Who are we gonna get?

You know my feelings, anyone in the league has to make a real effort to play every week. As in check your roster for injuries or bye weeks, every week. No giving games away because of laziness or any other reason. It fucks up the league, in my opinion. If someone signs up, they need to plan on spending 15 minutes a week setting their roster. Every week. For 17 weeks.

Death or deep coma are acceptable excuses. Too busy, loss of interest, vaginal trauma or mild coma: not acceptable.

Also, it would be nice if it was someone most of us are acquainted with.

Greetings Future Annexees

Ja und nein, so dass nur die verbleibenden Tage bis zum Entwurf der Phantasie. Als die am heiligen zionistischen Ramadan Urlaub.

Sie werden keine Angst, die Annexion (was wir als "Anschluss" ja?) Werden angenehm und gar nicht gezwungen - wir nur den WINS-Anlage wird.

Ich bin sicher, Sie sind alle vorausschauenden Aussagen zu glorreichen Anhang.

--Herr S.A.
Austin Anschluss


For you, a translation here is:


Yes and no, so that only the remaining days until the draft of the imagination. As the Zionist holy Ramadan holiday.

You will not fear, the annexation of (what we call "connect" yes?) Be pleasant and not at all forced - we have only the WINS system is.

I am sure you are all looking forward to glorious annex.

Herr S.Arepo
Austin Anschluss


I'm friends with Marty B and you're not...

And I can prove it. He's twittered me once and re-tweeted me once. It was awesome. I had to have cigarettes afterwards.

First, I sent him a link to an article in The Dallas Morning News that was complimentary of him.

MartyBTVRT @jongillespie: @MartyBTV DMN actually said some nice things about the Cowboys... http://bit.ly/CpGPO

Then tonight, he was on the team plane and twittering, He didn't know if they had landed in Oakland or Sna Fran. I noticed Marcus Dixon had been tweeting too, so I sent Marty (I call him that) a tweet:

@MartyBTV You in Oakland! RT@marcusdixon92 Getting ready to land in Oakland. Ready to take care of business. God Bless

(btw, Marcus is always blessing people)

And he sent this in return...

MartyBTV@jongillespie that fool don't know shit lol

So there you have it, Marty B and Jonny G are TIGHT!


Check out the discussion on rule changes and vote. It's the American way.



What fantasy team will be the first to pick him up?

Mike Vick is doing 60 Minutes this Sunday with JB...



Fantasy Football Rulzzzz!!1!!!

Here are Rob's suggestions/rebuttals to the Dipso's suggestions:

I am fine w/ the Dipso's proposed offensive & defensive rule changes. I am also fine w/ the way it is now

I heartily disagree w/ the suggestion to start utilizing waivers. Part of the gamesmanship of this league is being able to react quickly to players showing up on the free agent market. We are all busy, so the advantage goes to whomever makes the time to check frequently. You have to invest time in the league to be successful. I have been on both ends of the equation - I have certainly lost out on my fair share of sleepers because I snoozed. I think the way it is now is both fun and fair.

I also like the bench size the way it is. I like choices. Don't feel as strongly about this issue though. If the decision is to shrink I will deal.

And, once again, I will make my pitch to increase the point value for safeties. 2pts for clearly the coolest play in football? C'mon! The Barbara Eden ref signal alone is worth a couple of points. Also goes to JJ's point about beefing up defensive scoring. A safety should net your team D (and/or IDP if it can work that way)at least 5 if not 7 points. I'm just sayin' is all.

I most strongly agree about the waiver wire. I've played with both and I certainly like the no-wire experience better. All I'll add against it is the waiver wire allows people who don't pay any attention to little known players to hawk a team's shrewd move.

I'm always for increasing the value of defenses and IDPs, so great. And the safety deal is cool with me, too. We've always tried to have points coincide with those on the field, but it doesn't matter to me at this point.

I also like Jon's suggestions of increasing bonus points, but we have to make their occurrence more rare. I am against shrinking the benches; I'm a man who likes options and it certainly does not keep me from making roster moves.

I'm happy with everything else...except there's still no word from Chumley. WTF!!!!1111!!!


Gott hat nummeriert die Tage dein Reich und brachte es zu Ende, Sie sind auf der Waage gewogen und befunden, dein Reich wird geteilt und auf die Medes und Perser.


Suggestions for scoring changes

Regarding Individual Defense Players:
I want to give the defense a little more ooomph. Our offense scoring is rather high octane. but I feel the defense has not kept up, having 2 point sacks and 3 point interceptions. A pass defended is 1.5 points but a solo tackle is 1 point. That seems backward to me.

My suggestion is 4 point sacks, 4 point interceptions and 1 point pass defended. Solo tackles should be 1.5 or 2 points, while leaving assists at .5 points.

Regarding Team Defense/Special Teams:
I would suggest bumping sacks up to 1.5 or 2, while leaving interceptions and fumble recoveries at 3. Touchdowns are currently worth 8 points, which was likely my suggestion back in the day...I dunno I guess 8 works, but if a TD is 8 a safety outta be at least 4. I think allowing 21-27 points outta be negative 1.

Regarding Kickers:
Looks good to me...

Regarding Offense:
My only suggestion would be to alter the bonus points. Throwing for 350 yards is an accomplishment, but it is only rewarded with 2 points. I'd rather see something like 300 yards being worth 3 points. The other bonus stats seem okay to me...sorta.

Regarding Bench Size:
It seems kinda big to me. Remember that a smaller bench forces players to make moves and do more adding and dropping and trading. Which brings me to waivers...

I want to use waivers this year. Not using waivers benefits players who can monitor thr league and snipe good players that may be released...And I also think waivers are generally more fair to use...

What do other teams think? We need your input...

---Dallas Dipsomaniacs

These are the stat modifiers...

Offense League Value
Completions 1
Passing Yards 40 yards per point; 2 points at 350 yards
Passing Touchdowns 6
Interceptions -6
Sacks -2
Rushing Yards 15 yards per point; 2 points at 125 yards
Rushing Touchdowns 6
Receptions 1
Reception Yards 15 yards per point; 2 points at 100 yards
Reception Touchdowns 6
Return Yards 15 yards per point; 2 points at 125 yards
Return Touchdowns 6
2-Point Conversions 2
Fumbles Lost -3
Offensive Fumble Return TD 6
Kickers League Value
Field Goals 0-19 Yards 3
Field Goals 20-29 Yards 3
Field Goals 30-39 Yards 3
Field Goals 40-49 Yards 4
Field Goals 50+ Yards 5
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards -4
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards -3
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards -2
Field Goals Missed 40-49 Yards -1
Point After Attempt Made 1
Point After Attempt Missed -3
Defense/Special Teams League Value
Sack 1
Interception 3
Fumble Recovery 3
Touchdown 8
Safety 2
Block Kick 3
Return Yards 15 yards per point; 2 points at 125 yards
Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns 8
Points Allowed 0 points 12
Points Allowed 1-6 points 8
Points Allowed 7-13 points 4
Points Allowed 14-20 points 0
Points Allowed 21-27 points 0
Points Allowed 28-34 points -4
Points Allowed 35+ points -8
Defensive Players League Value
Tackle Solo 1
Tackle Assist .5
Sack 2
Interception 3
Fumble Force 2
Fumble Recovery 3
Defensive Touchdown 6
Safety 2
Pass Defended 1.5
Block Kick 3

New Draft Time! New League Rules?

The draft time has been tentatively moved up a few hours to 4:30 PM CST, Saturday, August 22, so watch out for that. Email me jacobeckber@yahoo.com if this is bad for you.

Also, please take the time to review the league rules. They are unchanged from last year at this time, but are subject to review. Any thoughts?



@VeryFakeAlDavis is just about the funniest shit on the internets. Whomever it is writing the tweets makes me laugh out loud at a silent computer screen.


Here's a few examples:

Watching practice, Cable is a genius. University of Idaho has to be wondering how they let this guy slip away...

That Sam Waterston is really going after Plaxico...

Shark Week was better when it was just a radio show.

Rahm Emmanuel just swore at me for 5 straight minutes. I told him to pipe down and put President Van Buren on the phone.

@BernardGoldberg Also, you two need to discuss liberal media's bias against people who build machines to control the weather.

Goodell just said playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right, which is what my dad used to say about fingers

Last time I was at Comic Con everyone got polio.

Regrets? Well, losing Napoleon Kaufman to God was a tough one. I thought our offer was competitive...

I don't understand what the big deal is--I refer to myself as a "wise latina" six, seven times a day.

When I saw that coup in Honduras all I could think was: Tegucigalpa Raiders

I feel for Romo--this is just like the time I broke off my affair with Mary Todd Lincoln.


Draft Stuff

Jacob and I just got back from Wyoming, so that's why nothing's been done.

Our original draft date of the 16th is out...Erik's someplace. What's the best day for everybody. I'm open to whatever, but would prefer the weekend. I'd like at least two weeks between the draft and the start of the season.

We need a 10th member. If we can't find somebody by draft day, I'll draft the team as I did for Matter last year.

Tony, Chumley, and Matter continue to lollygag. Whoever gets in touch with them first wins a special "Daryl" surprise the next time I see you.

Good luck, you fucking bastards. Here's a tip, chumps: I guarantee Kyle Orton as a #1 pick...fuck you....

Lyrad Simool's Ramblin' Shamblin' Dogfight Gamblin' Tub Jug Band