Worst. Font. Ever.

Tweets Of The Week September 28

David Clowney got into some trouble on Twitter. Rex Ryan has benched him for next weeks game after he posted this tweet after Sunday's win:

"1 play in the 1st Half, 4 plays in the 2nd half . . . A bit disappointed about my playing time but very happy and satisfied about the win."

Ryan's point seems to be that no one player is bigger than the team (someone should tell this to Brett Favre). Clowney has since deleted every other tweet on his feed and left this:

My team always comes first so I'ma just keep grinding,.. And we gonna keep winning

Hmmm...notice the time stamp. Curious.

Now, lets follow Chad Ochocinco as he takes a trip to Dallas to see tonights game:

Esteban arises headed to Dallas to see my boy Steve Smith play, may you all have a WAMW Monday!!!!!


Eli Manning Throws 2 TDs, Is Excited by Balloons

(New York)--Giants quarterback Eli Manning threw two touchdowns Sunday in a victory over the Buccaneers in Tampa, taking the Giants to 3-0 on the season. Reached for comment, Manning remarked, "I saw a kitty from the bus!"

"I like kittys, and balloons too!" said Manning later. "I wanted to see the kitty some more but Mommy said I should just get in my PJs and get ready for sleepytime."

Eli's wife, Abby, was sympathetic yet stern. "Please don't call me 'Mommy,' Eli, we have company," she said tenderly.

Above: Eli (L) and Abby Manning arrive at a New York Mensa Society Couples' Meeting last summer

"Eli's a kind man, but he gets easily excited by things like candy and sparkling objects," Abby said. "Eli--or Mealticket, as I sometimes call him--needs focus and direction, like so many gifted athletes."

"I only wish he was physically gifted in other areas," she added sadly. "Does anyone here want to finger-fuck me? Eli's got his Juice Box and should be distracted for a few minutes trying to open it."

Manning spends most of his spare time with his friend Steelers quarterback "Cuddly" Ben Rothlisberger. The pair spend countless hours studying still photos of plays from the previous weeks' games and finding their favorite Teletubbies in the formations.

Was ist this Log Cabins?

I am not understanding this...this log cabins. I am thinking that it is perhaps film where people are paid to make the shit upon you, yes? In Germany we have such things as this. Again I am suggesting we ask your Lyrad, he seems to like his movies, and also having shit upon himself.

Perhaps, though, it is as some kind of Treat for Die Kinderen, like the so-called Gingers Bread House?

Regardless, they shall be disposed with in such a manner as shit for toilets, I am thinking this.

Only Marginally Related...

Wow. Fuckin' go Hawkeyes!


Daryl's Self-Portrait, Week 3

Daryl paints himself red this week. It's his fantasy of defeating me (in blue) in fantasy football. Sadly, he is 0-5 against me in 3 seasons. Because he just can't beat his big brother. He can fantasize about bayoneting me in the neck though.


Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory...

Good game, Capetown (with the pull ahead catch on the penultimate play of the Monday night game). 158.86 - 156.10 final.

Also: Fuck you, Buckeye asshat Ted Ginn Jr.



NFL Tweets Of The Week Sept. 19

This week lets take a look at some jawing between former Patriot Rodney Harrison and current J-e-t-s Jets Jets Jet Kerry Rhodes. Apparently Rodney is trying to do the media thing now, he's got some gig with ESPN. On Friday he appeared on one of the ESPN radio shows and talked a little smack about Kerry. As far as I can tell, Rodney then responded to a question/smack talk posed to him via Twitter. Before that posting though, it is important to take a look at the post the directly preceded Rodney going on the radio and talking smack about Kerry and the J-E-T-S.

Rodneyh37The Patriots won't go into a war of words with any team, they hear everything and then use it to play better on Sunday.


Cthulhu Perfune

Not that I care about Lovecraft, but given last's year theme on the blog, I thought this actual product would be appropriate for a post.



This is a True Story

So a sorority has asked me to give an inspirational "Last Lecture" talk. This means I am supposed to be inspirational. What kind of advice do you gentlemen suggest I give these young women? Stay away from my little brother? Don't sit in a barber chair when Michael Irvin wants a trim?

Presented without Comment

Tackled in the Infield!

It's really too bad we don't live in the richest fucking country in the world. It'd be nice if we could afford to play football in football stadia. But sadly, no.


Daryl's Self-Portrait

I think this says it all. Poor bastard. Or bitch. Or whatever s/he is.

My Eyes! My Eyes!

Are those orange and white striped referee uniforms intended to humiliate them? Is this punishment for the Ed Hochulis of the world? And why isn't Hochuli doing this game?



Does Tampa Bay even have a pass defense?

Sport Coats

Am I the only one who thinks its fantastic that CBS still makes their sportscasters wear cheesy sport coats with the CBS emblem on them?


NFL Tweets Of The Week Sept. 12

For our first installment of tweets of the week let's take a look at Donte Stallworth and Nick Barnett.

You all know Donte from an unfortunate incident this year. Expect to hear more about that in the forthcoming Criminal Gridiron Hero, the sequel to last year's Drunken Gridiron Hero. Donte is going to have plenty of time this season to watch movies. Let's follow along as he discovers 'The Usual Suspects' for the first time.

Don't laugh @ me but i'm watching the movie USUAL SUSPECTS..... for the 1st time!!! LOL

D_Stallworth18 Couldn't help but notice the beautiful shot of the towers after they jacked the "NYPD taxi service" incident :-/

D_Stallworth18 Ok, this Kaiser Soze character is becoming real interesting!!! Hmmm...

D_Stallworth18 Aaaaaww man they off'd my dude Fenster... DAMN!!!

D_Stallworth18 OMG!!! why am I just now watching this movie for 1st time... Verbel leaving police station now... This is movie is CRAZY

D_Stallworth18 WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!! WTH!!!!!! U gotta be kidding me right?!? WOW I gotta watch that AGAIN... & AGAIN!!! that's crazy...

Yes Donte, it's crazy alright.

Now on to Nick Barnett, linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. It seems that Nick is a believer in the power of socks, so he decides to go to Dick's Sporting Goods. While on his shopping trip to gets socks and seizing the opportunity to make some dick jokes along the way, something went terribly awry.

NickBarnett Am bout to go to dicks and find me some better socks lol socks are very important believe it or not lol

NickBarnett It's kinda of wired to have the name dick right? When am in a bar (which am hardly ever in ;-)) when people ask my name they often confuse

NickBarnett It with dick lol

NickBarnett RT @tke790: @NickBarnett my wifes grandfather's name is Dick Seaman - no joke.

NickBarnett My dog has ran away I can not find him :-(.. Am worried hopefully he is safe

NickBarnett I only have video of him... He was last seen east depere if you hear any info please let me know.. I feel like http://tweetreel.com/?xb2gz

NickBarnett Here was last seen in 57 around scottchwood, oldplank... Just got a call from police.. Sorry to be using Twitter for this

NickBarnett Hopefully a local news station can help

NickBarnett He's a nice dog no need to be scared of him Last seen in depere Wi, off the 57 near oldplank WI please retweet http://twitpic.com/h9i0c

And the next day:

NickBarnett I was hoping to wake up and see my dog outside.. I hope I get a call that he is ok yodayNickBarnett Just left the stadium.. On my way to post signs... I feel someone dognapped my dog

NickBarnett Well just posted 100 signs hopefully sethkng pops up... Thanks everyone for your help

NickBarnett Called humane society they are not very helpful.. They tell just come down and look

NickBarnett Well I take back what I said about humane society :-) a nice lady from green leaf found my simba... Mufasa is very happy :-) no stampede

Pshew...tragedy averted.


Team Logo Builder

Austin Anschluss Team Logo (prototype)

Well. You have to be signed into Yahoo!, and it's brought to you by Toyota (who else? wait. what?), but this:

Team Logo Builder

has possibilities.

I mean, right?


NFL Tweet Of The Week: Pre-Season Edition

I've become so enamored with Twitter, that I want to make something useful out of the time I spend on it. I'll be posting at least one tweet every week, probably on Monday, from someone involved in the NFL. Now...I know that VeryFakeAlDavis is actually a writer for some internet football publication, but its too funny to disqualify for being a fake account.

If Jeff Garcia isn't going to sing to Oompa Loompa song, he can't be on the roster. Simple as that.


Ancillary League Offering

Gentlemen of the Handlebar Football Consortium:

There is a specter haunting Fantasy Football. The hegemony of being good has for too long overwhelmed us; a corrective is natural, necessary, and imminent.

Please join us in the new glorious Revolution: The Zero-Sum League.

In this league, the goal is to field the worst team possible. Points are subtracted where they would normally be awarded, e.g. a rushing touchdown nets you -6 points.

Conversely, you are rewarded for incompetence. Sacked for a loss? 2 points. Miss a short field goal? 5 Points.

And so forth. Just imagine you're planning like this gentleman:

Figure 1: Josh McDaniels wonders how else he can fuck up the perennial playoff contender he inherited. I'm saying: spread offense. Or maybe an option/zone-read. They'll never see that coming. Who's his quarterback again?

Every team will field 5 QBs, 6 WRs, 6 RBs, 4 TEs, 2 Ks, and 2 Team DEFs.

There is no bench.

Will you go for all backup QBs...if you can? Or do you take McFadden and hope he throws three picks? Maybe Favre gets hurt; do you really want to start Jackson? What if he plays? The possibilities are staggering.

Injured players are not allowed on active rosters.

You should all have an invitation in the inbox of the Yahoo mail account you use for the league.

(The password is: null)

Hope you all will join--it should be fun.

Oh, and Revolution, and stuff.

Sator Arepo
Univ of Phoenix Jamz!11! 1 !

--Translation from German version follows (worth reading [there, indeed, is no bank])--

Lords of the handlebar Football Consortium:

It is a ghost of Fantasy Football. The hegemony to be good for too long has overwhelmed us, a course correction is imminent and immediate need.

Please visit us in the new Glorious Revolution: The Zero-Sum League.

In this league is the goal, the worst possible team field. Points are deducted when they are normally granted, such as a rushing touchdown networks to -6 points.

Conversely, you are rewarded for incompetence. Sacked for a loss? 2 points. Miss a short field goal? 5 points.

And so on. Imagine you are planning, as this gentleman:

Figure 1: Josh McDaniels wonders how he normally to fuck the perennial playoff contender, he can be inherited. I say, spread offense. Or perhaps an option / zone read. You will see that never come. Who's quarterback again?

Each team will QBs 5, 6 WRs, 6 RBS, 4 time staff, 2 K's box, and 2 team DEFS.

There is no bank.

Will you go for all the backup QBs ... if you can? Or keep McFadden and hope he throws three notes? Perhaps Favre gets hurt, do you really start to Jackson? What if he plays? The possibilities are enormous.

Injured players are not allowed on the active duty rosters.

They should all have an invitation to the entrance of the Yahoo mail account you use for the league.

(Das Passwort ist: null)

Join Hope you all are - it should be fun.

Oh, and revolutionary, and stuff.

Sator Arepo
University of Phoenix Jamz! 11! 1!